


take my heart clean apart (if it helps yours beat)

by splendidlyimperfect



Category: Fairy Tail
Genre: Abortion, Alternate Universe - College/University, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst with a Happy Ending, Asexual Character, Asexual Natsu, Cuddling & Snuggling, Discussion of Abortion, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Kissing, M/M, Pregnancy, Read the notes please, Sex Positive, Trans Character, Trans Gray, Trans Male Character, Trans Male Pregnancy, Unplanned Pregnancy, pro choice
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-28
Updated: 2020-11-28
Packaged: 2021-03-09 23:54:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,459
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27764824
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/splendidlyimperfect/pseuds/splendidlyimperfect
Summary: When Gray shows up crying at Natsu's place at three in the morning, his unexpected confession makes Natsu realize how powerful his love for Gray really is.
Relationships: Natsu Dragneel/Gray Fullbuster
Comments: 13
Kudos: 91
Collections: fuck the gender binary





	take my heart clean apart (if it helps yours beat)

**Author's Note:**

> **cw for unplanned pregnancy, trans pregnancy, and abortion**
> 
> this story is about someone chosing to have an abortion to end an unplanned/unwanted pregnancy. the abortion itself doesn't take place in the story, but the discussion/decision does. if that's not for you, please don't read it. i'm pro choice, the story is pro choice, and i'm not interested in debating. please don't leave anti choice comments trying to convince me i'm wrong because they will be ignored and deleted. 
> 
> title from 'two' by sleeping at last

_sweetheart, you look a little tired  
when did you last eat?   
come in and make yourself right at home  
stay as long as you need  
tell me, is something wrong?  
if something’s wrong, you can count on me  
you know i’d take my heart clean apart   
if it helps yours beat  
~ two, sleeping at last_

An insistent buzzing slowly dragged Natsu from his sleep and he grumbled, rolling over and feeling around on the bedside table for his phone. The only light in the room came from the glow of the blunt half-moon hanging in the sky, and he groaned when he squinted at the phone screen and realized it was three in the morning. He was about to turn the phone off when his brain caught up and realized it was Gray’s name on the call display.

“’lo?” Natsu yawned as he answered.

There was a long silence, then Gray’s quiet voice. “Can I come over?”

Natsu frowned. “Yeah, of course,” he said, rubbing his face. “’s matter? You okay?”

Another pause stretched out until Natsu’s confusion started to turn to anxiety.

“No,” Gray answered eventually. 

Natsu sat up, pushing the blankets off and swinging his legs over the edge of the bed. “What’s wrong? You need me to come get you?”

“No,” Gray said quickly, “I can—I’m downstairs.” His voice wavered and Natsu realized that he was crying. “Can you buzz me in?”

“Yeah, just gimme a sec.”

Natsu made his way into the living room and pressed the buzzer, waiting for the click that told him that Gray was inside. The phone line went dead and Natsu stared down at the screen. Something heavy settled in his stomach when he realized he’d missed three calls from Gray before he’d finally woken up.

A few seconds later there was a soft knock on the door, and Natsu opened it to find Gray, wrapped in a hoodie with red eyes and damp cheeks.

“Hey,” Natsu said gently, reaching out and touching Gray’s arm. Gray shied away, shaking his head and wrapping his arms around himself. “C’mere,” Natsu said, stepping back and gesturing for Gray to come in. “What’s going on? Are you hurt?”

Gray shook his head, keeping his gaze on the floor as he stepped carefully into the apartment. Happy, who had been curled up on the couch, hopped down with a lazy meow and padded over to greet him.

“Are you still sick?” Natsu asked, taking in Gray’s pale, drawn face. He’d been out of school with the flu for the last few days, and Natsu had been planning to visit him tomorrow to drop off their latest assignment. “Stomach flu isn’t—”

“It’s not the flu.”

Natsu frowned. Gray’s voice was tight, and he sniffed as he pulled the sleeves of his hoodie down over his hands. Happy meowed and rubbed himself against Gray’s legs, but Gray ignored him.

“I’m… I…” Gray swallowed, finally looking up at Natsu with red-rimmed eyes. “I’m pregnant.” 

There was a fleeing moment where Natsu forgot Gray was trans, forgot that it _was_ possible, and he almost laughed because obviously Gray was joking, but why would he joke about something like that, and he was crying, which wasn’t funny at all—

“Oh,” Natsu said softly, unable to help the quick glance down to Gray’s stomach, then back up to his face.

“Yeah.” Gray’s voice broke and he wiped his face with his sleeve as the tears he’d been trying to hold in started to run down his cheeks. Natsu stared helplessly at him for a second, then quickly stepped forward and pulled him into a hug.

“It’s okay,” he said quietly, heart breaking as Gray started to cry in earnest, forehead pressed to Natsu’s shoulder and hands clutching at Natsu’s shirt.

“It’s _not,”_ Gray insisted through his tears. “It’s not—I can’t fucking have a… a baby, I can’t. It’s—I’ve got school, and my loans, and I live in a shitty dorm, not even a real apartment.” The words came faster, and his shoulders shook with the force of his tears. “I don’t have any money, or a job, and my parents aren’t—and how could I—”

“Gray.” Natsu interrupted as gently as possible, running his hand up and down Gray’s back and trying to calm his panicked breaths. “Breathe. You’re gonna be okay.”

He kissed Gray’s temple, then pulled back just enough to nudge him toward the couch. Once they sat down, Gray quickly curled up against Natsu, grabbing one of the cushions and holding it against his stomach as he cried.

Natsu held him close, trying to sort through the thousand thoughts that were racing through his mind. The two of them had been friends forever – through Gray’s parents’ deaths, through Natsu’s dad leaving, through happiness and heartbreak and everything in between. Something more had always simmered beneath the surface of their friendship, and it had culminated a few weeks ago in a tipsy, sweet first kiss. Since then, things had been in a sort of strange limbo – a delicate balance of careful flirting as they navigated their new dynamic. Gray was happier than Natsu had ever seen him, all shy smiles and tentative hand holding, and soft kisses when nobody was looking.

But now Gray was terrified and crying in his arms, and Natsu didn’t know what to do. Panic, confusion, and a deep sense of love warred in his mind, and he held Gray closer, pressing his face against the top of Gray’s head.

Gray eventually stopped crying, but he stayed curled up against Natsu, occasionally sniffling or rubbing his face. Happy hopped up onto the couch and turned in several circles before settling down next to Gray and purring happily. The only other sound in the apartment was the occasional car passing by twenty floors below. 

“I don’t know who it was,” Gray said eventually, pulling his legs up onto the couch and shifting until his head was tucked under Natsu’s chin. “Or when.” His voice was rough and quiet, and Natsu could hear the shame behind his words. “How long ago, I mean,” he added. “I’m sorry.”

“Don’t apologize,” Natsu said gently, running his fingers up and down Gray’s arm. “You didn’t do anything wrong.”

Gray shook his head. “I did, but I—I promise, I haven’t been with anyone since we… but before that. There was a guy from the dorm party. And other… I don’t…”

He trailed off; cheeks flushed with embarrassment.

“Gray,” Natsu interrupted. “You don’t have to justify sleeping with people, especially not to me.”

“You don’t,” Gray mumbled. “Sleep with people, I mean.”

Natsu sighed. “That’s because I’m not into sex, dummy, you know that. It has nothing to do with anything else, and you can sleep with whoever you want. Or however many people you want, it doesn’t matter. I mean, I know we haven’t talked about what that means for us, but you didn’t do anything wrong and I’m not judging you.”

Gray didn’t say anything, but he let Natsu take his hand. Natsu could feel the frantic flutter of Gray’s pulse when his fingers touched Gray’s wrist.

“Are you sure?” Natsu asked. “That you’re pregnant, I mean.”

Gray nodded, staring at their joined hands. “Yeah, I took a test from the drugstore. Two of them, and they were both positive. But I always use condoms and I’m on the pill and it’s… fucking stupid, that’s like a one percent chance. _Fuck.”_ He pressed his forehead to Natsu’s chest. “I don’t know what to do.”

Natsu ran his thumb across Gray’s shoulder. His mind was a mess of thoughts he couldn’t keep up with. _What if he wants to keep it? What if he doesn’t? How do I help him? I’m not ready to be a parent. I don’t think he is either. It’s his choice. I’ll do anything for him._

He exhaled, focusing on Gray – the grass stain on the knee of his jeans, the freckle on the back of his hand, the way his socks didn’t match.

“What do you need?” Natsu asked. “Do you just want me to listen? Or do you wanna talk about… options, I guess?”

Gray shrugged. “I dunno.” Natsu could tell he was trying to be nonchalant, but his hands were shaking and Natsu could feel his shoulders tense.

“Hey.” Natsu pulled back, shifting until he was facing Gray. “We’re gonna figure this out.”

“How?” Gray whispered.

Natsu hesitated. This wasn’t something he could back down from. Promising to potentially help raise a kid with his best-friend-turned-partner at three in the morning probably wasn’t the soundest decision Natsu had ever made.

But Natsu loved Gray, and he wouldn’t let him do this alone.

“Together,” he said. He leaned in, brushing Gray’s hair out of his face and tucking it behind his ear with a shaky hand. “If you want to – if you decided to keep it, if you wanted that… we could make it work. It’s not impossible, and I’ll always be here for you.”

Gray’s expression shifted as his grip on Natsu’s hand tightened. “But it’s not… you’re not…”

“Doesn’t matter.” Natsu ran his fingers through Gray’s hair again, then closed his eyes and leaned in, pressing their foreheads together. “Gray, you’re one the most – no, _the_ most important person in my life. I’m here for you no matter what, and if you want to do this, I’ll be right here with you, okay?”

Gray made a sound that was somewhere between a sob and a laugh, brushing his nose against Natsu’s and giving him a quick, gentle kiss.

“You’re amazing,” he said as he sat up, and there were tears on his cheeks, but a tiny smile on his lips. “And you’re the most important person in my life, too.” Then he sighed, still not quite looking at Natsu. “I don’t want to, though.”

Natsu couldn’t tell exactly what was happening in his stomach – it twisted in a strange combination of relief, apprehension, and affection.

“Don’t want to what?”

“Keep it.” Gray shook his head. “The whole way here, on the bus—I kept thinking about it. Trying to picture it, being pregnant. Having a baby. Giving it up, keeping it, whatever, just… all of it. And I can’t.” He took a deep breath, then exhaled, staring down at their hands. “I want to get an abortion.”

He tensed, and before Natsu could say anything, he quickly added, “I just... I know you’d help, and I know there’s... but it doesn’t—”

“Okay,” Natsu said, interrupting the shaky, uncertain words.

Gray looked up at him. “Okay?”

“Of course.” Natsu squeezed his hands. “You don’t have to justify it. It’s your body and your choice.” Gray swallowed. “I said I’m here for you no matter what, and I meant it.”

Gray slowly relaxed his grip on Natsu’s hands as he let out a shaky breath. “Will you come with me?” he asked quietly.

“Of course,” Natsu said immediately. “Do you know where to go? Like, do you have to make an appointment?”

“Yeah. If it’s early enough they can just do – it’s a pill, not a surgery. But I dunno how many weeks I am so I guess they have to do an ultrasound or something.” He pulled his phone from his pocket, swiping the screen and handing it to Natsu. It was open to a website for the Health Options center downtown. Natsu scanned the page while running his thumb across Gray’s knuckles.

“Okay, looks like they open at nine. You wanna call them then?”

“Yeah.” Gray nudged Natsu’s knee. “Are you sure...” He trailed off.

“Sure about what?”

“That you’re not... I dunno, mad? Or something?”

Natsu frowned. “Why would I be mad?”

“Ugh, I don’t know. You just seem so...” Gray gestured vaguely. “Not... upset?”

“Did you think I was gonna be?”

Gray looked away and fiddled with the hem of his jeans.

“Gray,” Natsu said gently. “I’m not mad. I’m surprised, and I’m worried for you. This is gonna suck, even if it’s not the surgery.”

“I know.” Gray chewed his lip. “I just feel stupid.”

“You’re not stupid,” Natsu reassured him. “You didn’t do anything wrong. Are you worried about us?” He nudged Gray’s arm.

“Maybe.” Gray let go of Natsu’s hand and rubbed his face. “I just... yeah, I like sex, and it’s fun and stuff, but I love you more than I like that, and now this is just like, a stupid _thing,_ and you’re taking care of me even though you didn’t have anything to do with it, like you were willing to...” He made a frustrated sound. “I don’t feel like I deserve it.”

“Of course you do,” Natsu insisted. “Even if we weren’t together, I’d still be here for you. You’re my best friend. And I mean, eventually we should talk about the sex thing ‘cause I'm not like, dooming you to a life of celibacy if we’re together, but we can figure that out later, okay?”

“’kay.”

Natsu reached out to touch Gray’s chin, tipping his head up until they were looking at each other. Gray’s eyes were red and bloodshot, and the skin around them was dark and puffy. “When was the last time you slept? Or ate?”

“A while,” Gray said, making a face. “I can’t sleep, and I throw up everything I eat.”

Natsu made a sympathetic sound, then leaned in and kissed Gray’s forehead. “Well, I’m hungry, and since we’re not going back to sleep and the clinic isn’t open for—” he leaned back and checked the clock on the microwave “—at least three hours, we’re going to that 24-hour diner for breakfast. You can watch me eat pancakes and try to eat some toast.”

“Do I have to?”

“Yes.” Natsu pushed himself off the couch and reached out to Gray, taking his hands and pulling him to his feet. “Just try, okay? For me?” 

Gray grumbled half-heartedly but let Natsu pull him into a hug. They stood for a minute, holding each other in the soft, quiet dark of the morning. Then Natsu nudged Gray’s head and leaned in to kiss him. It was gentle and sweet, and Natsu hoped it was the reassurance Gray needed.

When they pulled apart, Gray was smiling. His eyes were still red, and his hands still shook a little, but the sight of his smile made Natsu’s heart ache in the best way. It was familiar and comforting, and it made Natsu certain that even though the next few days – or weeks – would be hard, they were going to be okay.

“Thank you,” Gray said softly.

“Always.” Natsu slipped his fingers between Gray’s and pulled him toward the door. “Now c’mon, those pancakes aren’t gonna eat themselves.”

**Author's Note:**

> yes, you can take birth control even if you're a trans dude/nonbinary person taking testosterone, and you should be using it if you're sexually active, even if it's not 100% protection. 
> 
> this was written for an anonymous request on tumblr - whoever you are, i hope it helps and that you're doing okay <3 i'm here if you need to talk, you can message me on tumblr at @splendidlyimperfect


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